


Ad Astra Per Aspera

by NBvagabond



Series: To The Stars [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Name Changes, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 06:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11984442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NBvagabond/pseuds/NBvagabond
Summary: Ad astra per aspera - To the stars, through hardshipJoining Starfleet, Jim Kirk realises a lot of things about himself - but most importantly, that she isn't a man.





	Ad Astra Per Aspera

Jim twisted in the cramped bathroom, admiring herself in the mirror. She had to admit, she didn’t look half bad in the red skirt.  
Then she sighed. Who was she kidding. There was no point in having this, it wasn’t like she was going to actually come out any time soon. She didn’t even have any name ideas. Now that she thought about it, she looked ridiculous. Her shoulders were too wide, and her legs were hairy and muscular. And the female jackets were made for, well. People with breasts.  
As she was staring at herself, feeling same creep up her throat, she was disturbed by the soft swish of the dorm room door opening. Shit, Bones was back early. Jim had been sure she would have enough time to get undressed and hid the uniform under her mattress before he got back. She felt herself start breathing quicker as she realised her options were very limited.  
1\. She could simply exit the bathroom and come out to Bones. No, nope, not happening.  
2\. She could pretend she had been in the shower and leave wearing a - shit. Her towel was still hanging up on the end of her bed to dry.  
3\. ???????  
Well. She was close with Bones, but not close enough to enter their shared room buck naked. That really only left option 1.  
“H-hey, Bones?” She called through the bathroom door, and heard a sigh.  
“No, Jim, I’m not gonna look at your shit-”  
“No, no,” she laughed nervously, “that was one time. And it was a joke.” She took a breath. Was she really going to do this? Come out to her best friend through the bathroom door? “No, can I just… say something?”  
There was a pause, and then she heard Bones’s voice closer, and much more concerned. “Jim? What’s wrong?”  
Jim started to shake. She opened her mouth, urging herself to say it - _I’m a girl, I’m a girl, I’m a girl_ \- but anxiety wouldn’t let her. Instead, she reached one trembling hand to the button for the door.  
As the door slid open, she hung her head. She couldn’t look at Bones like this. There was silence. Jim felt so burningly aware of every feminine thing about her - the eyeliner,the lipstick, the _skirt_. She hated herself for it.  
She felt Bones’s familiar hand touch her arm and she flinched, half expecting him to attack her or something. This wasn’t the 21st century anymore, but that didn’t mean there weren’t still asshole people. But his hand was steady, and comforting, and she managed to lift her head to look at him.  
He looked sad.  
She tried, again, to make herself say something, but before she could Bones pulled her into a hug.  
He let go moments later, clearing his throat. “You don’t have to say anything, if you don’t want to. But you’re my best friend - my only friend - and I’m here for you.” He gave a small smile. “You look good, though,”  
Jim let out a small laugh.

 

“So, how long have you known?” Bones asked, passing a bottle to Jim. Jim took a sip, humming.  
“Not sure, really,” she put it down, “I mean, I always wanted to be a girl, but I never really _knew_ until a few months ago. That’s when I got this,” She tugged at the material of her skirt. She felt weird wearing it while kicking back and drinking with Bones, such a typically masculine activity.  
“So, let me get this all straight,” Bones said, after another sip, actually pulling out his PADD and making a note. “You’re still Jim, for now, but you’re a girl and you prefer she/her pronouns, BUT only in private?” he tapped out, looking up at Jim for confirmation. She nodded, taking another drink.  
“I’ll think of a name eventually. But till then I’m alright staying Jim.”

 

\---

 

Jim scrambled on the ice, tugging her leg in vain. The terrifying ice creature had hold of her, pulling her towards it’s gaping, slobbering mouth. She kicked at it, but it held her tight.  
Suddenly, the tentacle mouth retracted, dropping her with a screech as bright flame waved in front of it, scaring it away. A man in grey stepped into her view, shaking a torch in the creature's face and forcing it to back away.  
Jim breathed heavily, amazed she was still alive. The man turned to face her, and she saw a familiar bowl haircut and pointed ears - he was a Vulcan. One of the survivors, then. When the vulcan saw her, he frowned, looking confused.  
“Astra T. Kirk,” he said, breathlessly.  
It was Jim’s turn to frown. The last name and initial were right, if not the first name, but how did this stranger know even that? She wasn’t exactly famous on Delta Vega, as far as she knew. “Excuse me?”  
“How did you find me?” The man asked, looking almost… pleased to see her.  
“How did you know my last name?” Jim pressed, skidding slightly as she stood. A part of her wanted to correct the man on her first name, but she had all but had enough of being ‘Jim’.  
The man’s slight smile faded and his eyebrows knit together. “I have been, and always shall be, your partner.”  
Jim spluttered. “Wha… uh, look, I don’t know you,”  
“I,” the Vulcan took a step forward, torchlight warming Jim’s face, “am Spock.”  
“Bullshit.”

“Listen,” Jim said, pulling his gloves off to warm his hand by the fire. “I appreciate what you’ve done for me here today, sir, but if you were Spock, you’d know, we’re not friends.” She stared into the fire. “You hate me. You marooned me here for mutiny.”  
‘Spock’ looked up in confusion. “Mutiny? You mean you are not the captain?”  
“No,” Jim laughed, shaking her head, “you are. Pike was taken hostage.”  
“By Nero”  
“What do you know about him?”  
“He is a particularly troubled Romulan.” ‘Spock’ moved towards Jim, pulling off a glove. “Please, allow me. It will be easier.” He reached his bare hand towards her face, and she flinched away.  
“Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?” She questioned.  
“Our minds,” ‘Spock’ explained, pressing his fingers to her temple, “one and together. One hundred and twenty nine years from now, a star will explode, and threaten to destroy the galaxy.”

 

Jim pulled away from his hand, panting. She heard her heart pounding in her ears, and she could feel tears pricking her eyes.  
“Forgive me,” Spock - and he really was Spock, Jim could feel it now - apologised, “Emotional transference is an effect of the mind meld.”  
Jim wiped at her eyes. “So you do feel.”  
“Yes.”  
“Going back in time, you changed all our lives.”  
Spock lifted Jim’s coat from the icy floor, handing it to her. “Astra, we must go. There-”  
“Wait,” Jim cut him off. “You keep calling me that, Astra.” She swallowed. Really? Spock - future Spock - was the only person after Bones she was going to come out to? “Where you come from, is that my name?”  
There was that look again, sad, almost longing. “Yes.” Spock said quietly. “You often spoke of choosing it for it’s Latin meaning - Stars.”  
As Jim pulled on her coat, she considered this. Astra T. Kirk. It wasn’t half bad. But now wasn’t exactly the best time for examining her identity.  
“As long as I knew you, you were chasing the stars, as Captain of the Enterprise.”  
Jim blinked. “Captain?”  
“Yes,” Spock picked up the torch, leading the way out of the cave. “A ship we must return you to as soon as possible.”

 

\---

 

Alright, all Jim had to do now was make the most distant and emotionless person she knew break down emotionally. Shouldn’t be too hard. Jim had always had a knack for pissing people off.  
“I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion,” Spock said. His voice wasn’t calm any more, Jim could hear the carefully controlled anger seeping through. She was getting to him.  
“Then why don’t you stop me?” she pushed, stepping forwards into his personal space.  
“Step away from me, Mister K-” Jim couldn’t take another mister, not from this shithead.  
“What’s it like not to feel anger, or heartbreak,” she kept testing him, not backing down, “or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?”  
“Back away from me…”  
“You feel nothing!” She was shouting now, her own repressed anger at the constant misgendering fueling her. “It must not even compute for you. You never loved her!”  
And that was it, the final straw. Spock finally snapped, letting out a primal scream. Before Jim had any time to react, Spock’s fist lashed out, hitting her square in the nose, and she fell backwards onto one of the security members. Fists grabbed her shirt and Spock threw her onto an array or buttons.  
This time, she managed to act quickly enough to pull her hands in front of her face, shielding herself, and blocked Spock’s quick hits. She was too slow for his swipe to her chest, pushing her back and almost to the floor. She wasn’t fighting him, she was surviving his fight. Spock swung again, their arms slamming together as she protected her head, and he took that opening to hit her face again, the force pushing her onto the glass of the command station. Spock kept hitting her, forcing her down, before grabbing hold of her neck and pressing.  
Jim had been in hundreds of fistfights before, but she’d never been choked in one, and she’d never felt actually afraid for her life. There was nothing in Spock’s eyes but anger, raw and primal, and his fist kept pushing, pushing on her windpipe. All she could see was Spock’s face as the edges of her vision blurred. He wanted her dead, and it seemed such a strange thing when the future version of him had just saved Jim’s life not two hours earlier.  
Oh god, she really couldn’t breathe. Spock just kept forcing the air out of her lungs, and now she couldn’t see, couldn’t think anything except _Air, need air_.  
“Spock!” The name rang through the air but Jim didn’t really hear it, couldn’t hear anything until, finally, the pressure on her throat released and she gasped in lungfuls of air, coughing violently. Looking up, though, she could see Spock, backing away, fear and pain and regret filling his eyes.  
She hadn’t wanted him to go that far, really, for either of their sakes. But she had needed to, and the future Spock had been right. He was emotionally compromised. She sat up, shakily, as Spock slowly made his way past the captain’s chair.  
“Doctor,” he began with a crack in his voice, “I am no longer fit for duty. I hereby relinquish my command, based on the fact that I have been emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship's log.” And then he left. And Kirk had done what she needed to, but fuck if it didn’t kill her to see him like that.  
The crew was silent.  
“I like this ship!” Oh. Well, Scotty wasn’t crew, technically. “Y’know, it’s exciting.”  
Bones shifted, huffing. “Well, congratulations. Now we've got no Captain and no goddamn first officer to replace him.”  
Kirk paused. Was that true? Or, had the original captain, Captain Pike, not named her as first officer?  
“Yeah, we do,” she stood.  
As she stepped forward, sitting confidently in the large chair, Bones frowned. “What?”  
“Pike made him first officer,” Sulu realised as Jim sat down.  
“You’ve gotta be kidding me, Jim,”  
“Thanks for the support. Though,” she leaned over to whisper, “my name’s not Jim anymore.”  
After a breath to calm herself, she pushed the button for ship-wide communication.  
“Attention crew of the Enterprise, this… is Astra Kirk.” Next to her, Astra could see confused shifting from the bridge crew. Well, they could get used to it. “Mister Spock has resigned commission and advanced me to Acting Captain.” Stretching the truth a little, perhaps. “I know you were all expecting to regroup with fleet, but I'm ordering a pursuit course of the enemy ship to Earth. I want all departments at battle stations and ready in ten minutes.” They were going to fight this Romulan ship head on, with Astra commanding them.  
_Chasing the stars_ , Spock Prime had said.  
“Either we’re going down, or they are. Kirk out.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm non-binary, but not a trans woman, so if you are, please let me know if there's something you're uncomfortable with here.  
> I'm considering continuing this but I'm not sure, let me know if you're interested in more! I have some ideas  
> you can find me on tumblr @ perccyderolo


End file.
